I wrote this letter when I was in the middle of the process of healing from trauma. It helped me to write it and it helped others that I shared it with, who were wanting to offer me their support. At the time I was having panic attacks, deep depression and extreme anxiety. I was trying everything to keep our marriage together, but nothing that I tried was working. Every piece of advice that each well-intentioned person gave me, made me feel worse. I couldn’t fix anything, I needed to heal. I needed to be validated, if only for a small moment. I was hurting, I was in emotional ICU. I felt hopeless. I didn’t need advice, I needed love. If you are wanting to support someone in trauma, I hope this will help…
“To my Bishop,
I need to feel that you support each of us and our marriage. I need you to understand the pain that both of us are going through and the devastating effects that addiction is having on our marriage. It is not something to take lightly! You may be one person who will impact our marriage at this point more than anyone else in our lives. We both trust your inspiration on our behalf because of your divine calling.
We consider you to be our spiritual leader. You can counsel us to do things that will help us, that no one else can. But the personal advice that is not inspired by God, can cause more heartache. Don’t let my husband tell you lies about me or to convince you that the “problem” is being handled if it’s not. Don’t let me talk negatively toward or about my husband or let him talk bad about me. Know the difference between attacking the source and loving the abuser of the source. Pray for us. Pray with us. Be courageously honest.
Your love for us and your example of courage will help us more than anything else. I need strength to hold on to truth and honesty, to not waiver when guilt or fear comes up. And to trust God more than any other person or source for my/our healing.
To my Therapist,
You are the one person that I can tell everything to, without feeling judged or wrong for doing so. I trust that what I tell you will be used for no other reason but to help me get well. I trust you to get me through the negative things that I am feeling that are not working and for validation in what I am doing and feeling that is right. My desire in coming to you is to get professional support in sorting out my confusion and finding the hope that I lack. I look forward to the tools that you will provide, that I believe will change my life and my marriage relationship. I plan on coming out of this a stronger person and I believe that you will help me do that.
To my family and friends,
I will likely not share with you some of the deeper, darker secrets or moments of our marriage because, for the most part, I feel guilty for our problems. I will give the burden of analyzing and working through these things to my Therapist. That is what he gets paid for. Our problems also make me feel inferior to you because my perception is that everyone else is happy and I am wrong or less than for not feeling happy too. I don’t want to be judged by you. I don’t want you to judge my husband. I just need you to love me and lift me up through encouragement and sincere compliments when you see me feeling down or struggling.
Pray for me. Pray for my husband. Pray for us. And don’t be afraid to let me know when you do (in person whenever possible, not on Facebook or any other place for social media)! Keep the information that you do know confidential. Express kindness and respect towards my husband, your example will help me to focus on the good without feeling judged by you.
You are loved! Your feelings are valuable, take care of every one of them. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind. Don’t be afraid to say what you mean. Have the courage to do the right things. Have faith that God knows what you are going through. Believe that He loves you. Let go of trying to do, and be, and solve everything. As you let go, God will take over and He will do a much better job than you can with your life and your marriage. He has great things in store for you; great traits and characteristics for you to develop, great things for you to accomplish, and great blessings for you and your family to enjoy!
Trust God and Take Care!
Yours truly, Me”
Written by a former client.