J.L. Redd, Ph.D., CMHC, NOJOS Certified,
(Owner of Solace Emotional Health)
This is a summary of Dr Redd’s full article. Click this link, Inoculating Families, to view, print and/or share the full version of this article. PRINCIPLE #1: EDUCATE YOUR FAMILY Teach: Our bodies are sacred – One of the plain and precious truths restored to this dispensation is that ‘the spirit and the body are the soul of man’ (D&C 88:15). Exploitation of the body is, in the last analysis, an exploitation of Him who is the Light and the Life of the world (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments, 2001, 11, 13). Teach: The power of procreation is a powerful and divine gift – I would suggest reading as a family, the book, Growing Up: Gospel Answers About Maturation and Sex by Brad Wilcox. This lesson is re-read each year to meet the children’s changing developmental levels of understanding. Teach: The harmful effects of pornography – Pornography defiles souls… It also limits our potential, is extremely addictive, and creates unhealthy expectations for marriage. Many resources are available to help us teach the harmful effects of pornography. The LDS websites, ARP and Overcoming Pornography, provide helpful information about pornography. The Church also produced a special 4-part Family Home Evening lesson, entitled “Family Home Evening: Sexual Intimacy is Sacred and Beautiful.” To find this lesson, visit the website overcomingpornography.org or do a search on LDS.org with the terms “FHE, sexual intimacy.” Teach: Family members why premarital sexual stimulation is problematic – Intense, sexually arousing experiences generate a plethora of neurochemicals and hormones. These neurochemicals facilitate critical qualities of connection, endurance, and attachment in a marital relationship, but can be confusing and poisoning to premarital relationships. Some of these (with a brief description of the way they impact us) are:- Dopamine – is the “pleasure” neurochemical.
- Glutamate/Norepinephrine – are referred to as the “memory chemical.”
- Testosterone – is known for producing a surge of energy and arousal.
- Oxytocin/Vasopressin – These are known as “cuddle hormones.”
- Serotonin – is sometimes referred to as Nature’s “Prozac.”
- Pray to understand your children’s strengths and how to help them with their weaknesses.
- Be patient and realize that children need time to develop resilience.
- Strive to understand that mistakes and failures are opportunities to learn.
- Allow natural, logical consequences to serve as the disciplinarian.
- Respect children’s decisions, even if their poor choices lead to lost privileges.
- Refrain from berating children for breaking the rules.
- Do not discourage effort by criticizing harshly.
- Rather than praising accomplishment, encourage and praise effort.
- “Praise your children more than you correct them. Praise them for even their smallest achievement” (President Ezra Taft Benson [1899–1994], “The Honored Place of Woman,” Ensign, 1981, 107). (Lyle J. Burrup, Ensign, March 2013).
- Throw a tentative dart at the emotion you think might be driving your loved one’s behavior and/or words, by saying; “you seem a little sad” or “it seems like you are upset.” This statement invites them to self-assess and functions as a very gentle invitation to talk about the emotion. If they validate or correct your stab at the emotion, and want to talk, then
- Continue to talk about that emotion with questions like “what is this like for you,” “what is causing this feeling,” “how strong is this,” “how often does this happen,” “how does this emotion affect your behavior,” or “what do you need from me?”
- Hold family councils and decide what our media standards are going to be.
- Spend enough quality time with our children that we are consistently the main influence in their lives, rather than the media or any peer group.
- Make good media choices and set a good example for our children.
- Limit the amount of time our children watch TV or play video games, and/or use the Internet. Virtual reality must not become their reality.
- Use Internet filters and TV programming locks. If a child views pornography accidentally or is encouraged by someone to view it, immediately turn it off and tell an adult.
- Keep TVs and computers in a common room, not in a bedroom or a private place.
- Take time to watch appropriate media with children and help them feel the difference between uplifting choices and degrading ones (Let Our Voices Be Heard, Ensign, Nov. 2003, 18-19).
- No Double Standards – Parents need to be the example of self-control, intelligence, and wisdom
- Be careful about the amount of time spent on media and cell phones
- Be careful about which video games you allow in the home.
- Avoid “sleepovers” and know your kids’ friends, schoolmates, and associates
- Be sensitive to material in DVD collection, shopping catalogs, and TV commercials.
- Be aware of music, song lyrics, album art, novels, and books that your children use.
- Unsubscribe (or carefully manage) inappropriate Streaming Media (Netflix, Hulu, AppleTV)
- Regardless of the movie rating, know what you will be watching (http://www.kids-in-mind.com)
- Establish a “Family Media Policy, using a Family Council to determine media guidelines
- Avoid chat rooms
- Spend time with your kids on the internet
- Keep computers in public places, and cell phones out of kid’s bedrooms at night
- Teach children to never give out names or personal information
- Establish a protocol for “purposeful” internet usage – avoid randomly surfing
- Never communicate with strangers on the internet
- Install filters at the Wi-Fi Source of your home (not just on devices). “DNS Gateway” is a great option.
- Activate TV blocks to eliminate inappropriate TV programming, and browser plug-ins like “Ad Block Plus” to remove inappropriate YouTube material.
- Install accountability software on all electronic devices: This type of software is not a filter, but automatically texts and/or emails a pre-designated list of people, if any electronic devices are being used to access something inappropriate. You can access accountability software programs online. One example is accountable2you.com.
- “Before marriage, do not do anything to arouse the powerful emotions that must be expressed only in marriage. Do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of another person, or touch the private, sacred parts of another person’s body, with or without clothing. Do not allow anyone to do that to you. Do not arouse those emotions in your own body … Do not participate in talk or activities that arouse sexual feelings” (The First Presidency, For the Strength of Youth, 27)
- Like sliding down a steep water slide, it is hard to stop, once you start
- Couples tend to keep going further each time they get together
- Crossing the line changes “love” into “lust”.
- It clouds the connection with Heavenly Father
- It compromises our connection with the Holy Ghost (loss of the Spirit)
- It can become addictive
- It weakens communication
- It reduces relationship development (getting to know each other well)
- It prevents the establishment of that essential foundation of friendship
- It blinds couples and blurs their ability to recognize the red flags in their relationship
- Selflessness is replaced by selfishness
- It objectifies partners (couples tend to look at each other as objects)
- Opportunities and wholesome memory-making activities are lost
- It leaves participants thirsty for more
- It limits choices